Parody of Doom
by Ginka
Summary: Anbu it, I would be honoured. Refer to characters by what the names mean, really tacky!fun plot. : You just may be amused, if you know yer naruto.
1. The dolphin mission

**Not my characters. We know this. Have fun reading this one. Review if you feel like it. I'll be counting the "ZOMGWTFBBQ"s. **

**Parody of Doom**

The scarecrow, Kakashi, woke up late, as usual, to the bustling city below. Konoha could have possibly been the worst place for a scarecrow. And in the country of fire, when he is so flammable? Not that it mattered all that much to him at any other time though.

He got up slowly, dressed, and went about the morning business. (Because I'm too lazy and it's too boring to type it out) Snatching up his copy of Icha Icha Paradisu, he headed for the training grounds at 3 in the afternoon.

Upon arriving, the little wad of food, Naruto, the cherry blossom clinging desperately to the ground not to be blown away, Sakura, and Sasuke (I don't know what that can translate to) were waiting for him.

"Kakashi -sensei! You're three hours late!" yelled cherry blossom and food in unison.

"Yeah.. the road I took had some pretty tempting shops along the way." Scarecrow mumbled.

After many hours of training (because I am too lazy to type the boringness of what happened), they decided to all head out to the Hokage's place. For what reason, who the hell knows. It's the logic of a scarecrow, blossom, and food. And Sasuke..

They walked in to find.. dun dun dunnn.. a weasel sitting just inside the door, munching on what could only possibly be a finger.

"Sasuke, your brother is disgusting!" yelled cherry blossom.

"…"

"Do something about it!"

"…"

Giving up on Sasuke, cherry blossom took it upon herself to salvage what was left of the finger and chased weasel out of the room.

Scarecrow decided to ignore this, and looked down at food. "You're strangely silent today, Naruto.."

The heap of food sat there.

"Hmm.. I see."

":sitting there:"

"You're no fun," scarecrow kicked him, bringing a gurgling out of the food. (haha wtf Oo) Then proceeded upstairs with Sasuke.

On the second floor, a snakeboy ran up to them and, out of the blue, tried to bite Sasuke.

"Hn," Sasuke crushed it's head before it's fangs reached his skin.

Food, suddenly finding shape and voice, screeched at the time. "WE'VE BEEN HERE FOREVER. LET'S GO GET A MISSION OR SOMETHING ALREADY! 'CAUSE GOD KNOWS I AM NOT STAYING FOR TEA!"

Scarecrow agreed to this, and they stepped into the medical slug's office. (Don't know what Tsunade is either..)

Slopping, wet sounds came from the slug.

"Ewww! What is she doing under that desk!" food, looking horrified, asked.

Scarecrow's single visible eye flattened. "She's speaking. Shut up."

After some more strange sounds, which hidden underneath was the language that food couldn't pick up on, they got their mission.

As they were leaving, scarecrow hung back a moment. "Tsunade, you have a pest problem in this building, by the way."

"Help at the aquarium… what!" exclaimed food as he read the sheet with their mission.

"Stop whining you prissy little bitch," Sasuke spat out.

Naruto, er food, stared at him in shock for a minute. "You said a coherent thought," he said meekly.

"You probably don't know what coherent means," Sasuke said snarkily.

Scarecrow stepped in at this point, holding two volumes of Icha Icha Paradisu between them. "Shut up or read up."

They shut up at once.

Continuing on their mini-journey to the aquarium, cherry blossom caught up with them.

"Yo, mah pimpz, wtf iz wid leevn meh dere!"

Not really. She just screeched in her overly screechy way about them leaving her behind as they arrived.

Talking to some random, ignorant, white Americans, the worker soon caught site of them and wandered over. "Ahhh.. Kakashi!" A completely red boy walked up to him, growling under his breath in almost a purr.

Food's face: Oo;;

"Akamaru! Hello! Where is Kiba-chan?"

A little poofy dog ran up and, before reaching them, got distracted by a fish behind glass and jumped at it.

'Always was pretty dim,' scarecrow mused.

"So, Akamaru, my good ol' friend, what help might you be needing here today?" he asked while leaning on red boy's shoulder.

"Ahh.. just this crazy dolphin that somehow manages a way out of his tank, then scares the shit outta our customers, if you know what I mean," he winked and nudged scarecrow, who suddenly had a vile thought of a dolphin flailing it's penis around. (:barfs: why did I even think of that!)

"ALRIGHT! DOLPHIN, HERE I COME!" food all-too-enthusiastically yelled.

"He has no idea, does he?" whispered scarecrow to red boy.

"What are you talking about? He's probably eager to get a dolphin who's smart enough to fake rabies 6 feet under. Not that I mind at all, but there's policy and such sort."

Scarecrow sighed, but didn't need to run after him, as cherry blossom had taken that responsibility into her own hands. She ran down the hall after food, screaming random insults at him.

When scarecrow and Sasuke caught up with them, the two were sitting against a wall smokin' it up. "Yo, I gotz the munchies! Git meh sum dem chipz!"

Okay, I've got to stop.

When scarecrow and Sasuke caught up with them, the two were fighting on one side of the room, the other had a dolphin laying on the floor, foaming at the mouth.

Scarecrow walked over to it, running his hand over it's head, then flicking it's eyeball.

"What do you think you're doing out of you cage, Iruka!" he yelled.

The dolphin sat motionless. "Well..!" Motionless.

Scarecrow reluctantly picked the dolphin up to put it back in the cage, but before he could it suddenly started humping the shit out of him for 24 hours straight. Just like he had imagined the dolphin scaring away customers. After the day, he opened his eyes and saw the weasel.

"Damn it, Itachi! That's not funny! Don't use that Mange-Dange crap on me!" he dumped the dolphin in the tank roughly. After that he went to grab the weasel, but the yound Uchiha prince-whiny-poo-ego-of-a-dragon got there first.

"This is what you get for killing our family." Sasuke then popped his head of like he was the Barbie doll that stole Ken's husband. (tehe)

"Well, not that Itachi was a rea-"

There were quick footsteps, followed by the paws of a dog, and red boy jumped on scarecrow upon reaching him. "YAYYY KAKASHI! YOU'RE MY HEROOO!" he screamed as he rubbed scarecrow's ass, unknown to anyone but them.

"Uhh.." A blush crept up on scarecrows face, thankfully for him hidden by the mask.

Akamaru hopped off, with a quick wink and "Kimi o ai shiteru!" to scarecrow.

"The day has been saved! Thanks to you, team 7!" Red boy kissed them all on the cheek then said in their stunned silence, "Now, I have to go submit my application for Banana Republic. Oh, how I'd love to help men shop for just the _right _fit, in shirts and suits and especially pants!"

Off he ran, with Kiba at his heels.

"That was interesting." Food mumbled, giant blue orbs, otherwise known as eyeballs, staring after the completely red man.


	2. Death!

For the love of Naruto, somebody ANBU this. xD I have no beta reader, either. -.-; Alright ya well, here we go.

Chapter two

Food (Naruto), Cherry Blossoms (Sakura), Scarecrow (Kakashi), and Sasuke wandered away in the direction of the Hokage's place at their own pace. They did have pay to collect for saving the dolphin, you know.

After the business of getting payed, each set off to one's own destination. Sasuke, no longer having a family to revenge since the deed was done, seriously contemplated suicide. He decided against it because of one new found glory in his life: the supposedly dead snakeboy, Orochimaru. He would have gone to him for power, had he not already killed his idiot brother weasel (Itachi). Instead, he made it his lifes desire to kill this man instead. Nothin' better than a fresh kill in the morning to knock you to your senses!

Sakura decided it better to stalk Sasuke today than run up to him. She was not in the mood to be ignored, and much prefered to not be seen at the moment.

Naruto, being hungry after that spar with Sakura in the dolphin's (Iruka's) room, headed for the academy. He had to pick up Iruka's twin, also named Iruka, first, how else could he get a hot meal from ichiraku? He arrived at the academy, searching around for Iruka. Unknown to him, Kakashi had followed him much like Sakura followed Sasuke. The only difference being Kakashi is a much better stalker. He had the intent to jump out and scare Naruto, but stopped dead when he, and Naruto both, saw Iruka #2 dead. (Oh yes! A plot device!)

It just so happened Sasuke (and therefore, Sakura) were passing the academy when Naruto let off a shrill cry of "What the-" but was cut short by an explosion. Sasuke stopped walking, and there watching. Sakura, being the responsible little one she is, ran into the building. Kakashi did so, too.

Inside, Orochimaru was standing over Naruto. "Yes, Sasuke. Yes! Come with me! I will make you happy! Very happy!"

"Happy, why?" replied Naruto.

"Why indeed..." The supposedly dead snakeboy rubbed his chin with his forefinger in thought. In this pause, Sasuke jumped forward.

"I WILL AVENGE THE AKATSUKI, YOU TRAITORRRR!" he shrieked uncharacteristically.

Snakeboy merely laughed at this. "Like you would know what you're getting yourself in-" At this moment, Sasuke had thrown a shuriken, landing it quite cleanly into the snakeboy's throat. Blood gushed out of his mouth, seeing as how the shuriken had cut so cleanly.

"Ah, what a clean cut Sasuke. If only you were that clean and innocent.." said Kakashi half to himself. Sakura looked scared out of her wits, for what reason, only she would know. It was a habit of hers to stand around looking frightened and useless. Apparently, it was a good tactic to get hot men, according to movies. Naruto had long since passed out from hunger, and the dead Iruka rose again.

"Kakashi... I have to tell you something..." said the legless form of Iruka.

"You love me and want me, blah blah blah. I know; I'm just so hot, huh?" Kakashi blurted out sarcastically.

"Actually, ye-" Iruka disappeared into hell at this point. It is still a game among children to this day to guess why, at that very moment, he was tugged down.

Team seven proceeded out. Seeing as how their teacher and friend was now dead, you could imagine how sad they were. Only imagine, for they seemed perfectly content.

All returned home, and turned in for the night. The next day was much the same routine. Get up, ready, go to Tsunade's, get a mission. The mission they received today was quite strange, indeed.

"Glug gurg schlup you need to gurgle sccchlap go to the island glug glug of honest men." This was followed by a loud fizzing sound, a shriek of "KONOHAMARU, I SAID NO SALT AROUND TSUNADE-SAMA!" by Ebisu, and team 7 proceeding out quickly.

"The island of honest men... I guess Sasuke can't go. He lies to himself all the time." Naruto's voice was getting more devious by the minute. "He knows damn well he likes girls, he just denies himself the right to f-"

What interupted Naruto's speech, you ask? A fist. A solid, pale, bony fist that connected with his face double-time as soon as it made the decision to do so. Sasuke was very pissed, and it showed.

"HOW!" crunch, "DARE!" crunch, "YOU!" Naruto's face was a bloody pulp at this point. Kakashi had kept on walking right past them, and had now turned around and decided to let the boys quarrel. Sakura was Naruto's only hope. Unluckily for him, she would agree with whatever Sasuke decides to do.

He blacked out, and when he awoke he found he was surrounded by a sea breeze.


End file.
